When I woke up this morning, there was a cold mist settled in over the darkness of the city that made me feel a little sad. Which made me happy.

Let me explain …

About five years ago when I was just beginning a long, slow descent into depression, my doctor suggested I try taking an antidepressant. I remember rejecting his idea out of hand and saying “I’m not the kind of person who needs medication to feel better.” And so, just as the depression was beginning to put its grip on me, I tossed away the one lifeline that was offered.

Eventually some months later, when I hit bottom, I was in a place where my entire life felt as if it were overshadowed by a kind of unceasing gloom, which robbed me of physical energy and made me feel constantly irritable and cranky. And so it was that I finally “gave in” and went back to my doctor for a prescription.

The results amazed me. It was as if a thick dark film were being stripped off my mind and my heart. I had been running, but suddenly I began to have the energy to really WANT to run. I had been working out, but I suddenly began to feel great afterwards. I had been making a lot of strides in turning my life around, but for the first time I actually felt good about it. I laughed. And, just as importantly, I cried. Without that greasy dark covering over my heart, I was able to experience ALL of my emotions in a more natural way.

I wasn’t perky or peppy or drugged into a stupor. I just started feeling like … feeling like myself, I guess.

Anyway, about two weeks ago, when I noticed my current supply was almost finished, I called the pharmacy for a refill. They told me my refills had expired and so they were going to contact my doctor (which was what we’d done many times over the past several years). Unfortunately, due to my doctor’s vacation schedule, and more importantly to a new pharmacy employee with a very limited command of the English language, there was a hold up. I called the next day. And the next. And the next.

Soon, I was down to the last pill, and I knew I was out of luck. The previous pharmacist would always advance me a few days supply if there was a problem, but the new staffers didn’t know me and refused to help. And my doctor’s office subsequently closed for three days.

I wasn’t panicked, but I did have a sense of dread. About a year after I first started on the meds, I felt so good I decided I didn’t need them anymore. Within a few weeks, I began to feel every single one of the symptoms I’d had that led to my prior downfall. So I learned my lesson.

In the event, I went without any pills for about four days before the prescription finally got worked out (my doctor was really mad at the pharmacy!) and by then I’d already begun to feel that bit of gloom and doom. Just in time for the holidays. Yippee.

Fortunately, I’m back on schedule now, and although I had a couple of iffy days, I feel normal again. Last night I cried at the movies. And that felt great. And this morning, as I mentioned, the weather made me feel down, and that was okay, too. Fortunately, when I went for my 10 mile Sunday run, the natural endorphins of a good workout lifted my mood — as usually happens. So I can definitely say that I’m back on track.

So what if I have to take this stuff for the rest of my life. Does that make me a weak person? A coward? An addict? Defective? I don’t know and really, I don’t care. To me, popping that little stabilizer every single morning is analogous to all of the other good health habits I engage in – eating healthy, jogging, biking, working out, etc.

Its complicated to live in the 21st century, but I’m so pleased that I’ve got all the tools I need to make this journey work, whether its blogging, strategizing about portion sizes, getting weighed, or taking my meds.

It doesn’t mean I’ll wake up every morning feeling like Suzy Sunshine. But it does mean that I never have to live under the oppression of a dark mood, or of an overweight body.

And if that isn’t a damn good way to close out a successful year, than what is?!