As the youngest of three brothers (and the only over-weight, under-athletic one) I was subject to a fair amount of teasing as a child. The taunts tended to be about me being a “baby” or a “fatso” or otherwise physically inept. I was also bullied a fair amount in the locker room at school. Neither my parents nor my coaches intervened, which amounted to a tacit approval of the attitude that physical weakness was a thing to be despised.

I can only assume this is the basis of my downright fear and loathing of all professional sports (other than tennis, Devin!). To me, the entire world of physical fitness was a foreign land where I was simply unwelcome and subject to ridicule if I tried to enter.

By today’s standards (now that so many children are so large) I was never particularly overweight, but back in the 60’s it sure was a tough thing to the chubby kid in gym class. The number of times I was the butt of jokes or the subject of humiliation in regards to anything athletic could fill a book (but WON’T, trust me!).

As a result, I threw myself into the intellectual side of education, striving always to get ahead with my mind when I couldn’t get ahead with my body. And I avoided all teasing and name-calling to the extent possible, because it reminded me so much of the hated world of sports. And as I grew older, I continued to side step the whole concept of “playful teasing” and just never found ribbing someone (or being ribbed) to be fun at all.

So I guess that’s probably why I lost my temper last night when this older guy (who was big and tall) saw my “before” picture and scoffed at it and told me that I didn’t need to lose weight. I tried brushing off his comment, but he repeated, TWICE, that I was just fine before and there was no need for me to have lost 50 pounds.

Now this wasn’t teasing or trash-talking on his part, but it most definitely was a comment about me and MY BODY and the implication was that somehow I’m not really capable of making a sound judgement regarding my physical being.

I don’t know how many times I’ve blogged about the “you never needed to lose any weight” comments and how much they bug me (too many times, you say??). It seems no matter how often I think I’ve memorized the right thing to say and no matter how many times I’ve reminded myself that there’s no reason to get angry, its just really, really hard to stay calm in the moment.

When I was at the gym tonight, a large muscular guy who was bench pressing a great deal of weight, called over to a trainer and asked for a little assist. The trainer (also large and muscular) walked over and said sarcastically “is that ALL you’re lifting? I can’t believe you need help with that. How many sets are you going to do, twenty?”

Man, that got me steamed. Probably because the guy was lifting at least four times as much as I was, and I don’t consider myself to be wimpy or out of shape. Even though the person asking for help didn’t take any offense at all, it just turned my stomach to listen to that kind of “teasing.”

When I was overweight, feelings such as those that I had last night, or at the gym today, would inevitably be soothed by eating. A behavior I learned as a child was that I always had an automatic friend in the cookie jar. When feeling emotionally lost, and particularly when feeling vulnerable about my body, somehow the answer was usually something like ice cream or pastry or chocolate.

Of course I don’t have that instant remedy any more, as life has taught me that stuffing myself never really cures my emotions. So when I’m upset by things that are said about me (or near me, or simply within ear shot) I have to think of new and different ways to cope. Last night I didn’t do all that well, as I got home and did a fair amount of mindless snacking.

Tonight, however, I figured it would be better to just blog about the whole thing and not eat over it. I can’t change the world, and I think (especially among men) trash talking is simply a fact of life. People are going to comment about my physical presence ESPECIALLY because I lead meetings and ESPECIALLY because I make a point of having a weight maintenance blog. There are just some things I’ll need to get used to.

Fortunately I got a good book out of the library today, so I can cur l up and read. If that’s not a cure for the blahs on a cold, rainy, winter’s evening, I don’t know what is!