My first year Education for Ministry class is coming to a close, so last week we began talking about plans for the coming academic year. I’ve enjoyed the class for the most part and I’ve really come to respect and cherish the people in it. At the same time, I actually feel a little ambivalent at the prospect of continuing.

Naturally, this being me, its about food.

The group traditionally meets from 6:30 to 9, in a sort of one-room schoolhouse setup where we all gather around one large table. Since pretty much everyone is coming from work, its been decided that each week the group would order take out food and share it before class from about 6 to 6:30. Typically its pizza and soda, or chinese or indian – standard takeout fare in San Francisco.

Since those foods are not on my personal radar screen, and since I ride my bike and don’t care to bring anything to eat along with me, I just eat a brief, healthy meal at home before heading over at 6:30. Usually by the time I get there, most of the food has been cleared away.

But every week when I walk in, the room is redolant of the aroma of what’s just been eaten, and there is always something left on the table – usually sweets, cookies, brownies, candy, etc. During the course of the next two and a half hours, those treat just sit there. Last week it was a bag of candy bars. As the class was very intense, I suppose it was natural for people to keep reaching for those chocolates and pass them around.

So. I don’t know about you, but I personally find it difficult to stare at candy for hours on end that is just a short reach away. The priest, who is also careful about healthy eating, has requested that at the very least plates, utensils and cups be taken off the table. But the treats remain, and for a person like myself, completely lacking in willpower, it is a real challenge.

Tonight a group of us from church met to discuss where we felt we were headed in terms our spiritual journey, and a lot of deep, powerful, and moving things were said. One thing that I kept thinking (but not saying) was that perhaps I really don’t have a “calling” if I can’t make it through a simple class without being obsessed about the food situation. People naturally use food to celebrate, and religion and food are deeply tied. After all, as an Episcopalian I have to deal with that whole Last Supper thing!

And as I sat and listened to people pour out their hearts and describe those things which have meaning and power in their lives, I just felt more and more petty about my food “issues.” I mean, I’ve had an entire academic year to ponder the treats-on-the-table situation and am still feeling conflicted about it. How could I possibly hope to serve in a capacity of helping people, if I can’t get over something as simple the smell of pizza and the temptation of a chocolate bar? How shallow can I possibly be? Is there really room for a person in the spiritual realm who doesn’t care for pot luck suppers, cake at coffee hour, and shared meals over all the important decisions?

Its funny that I’m still struggling, after such a long time of coming to terms with my new body, my new ways of dealing with food, and my nascent “career” as a meeting group leader. I had every expectation that at some point I would become, if not immune, then at least enured to the lure of high-calorie foods. It seemed to me realistic to hope that I could eventually be like Devin and only eat what I wanted to, when I wanted to, even when food was around me all the time. But at the moment, I’m not so sure that’s gonna happen.

For now, I’m going to stick with my class, and hope that I get some clarity over time. I’m not at all sure I’ll ever learn to cope well with food in situations like that. Even tonight’s meeting featured an amazing repast — gourmet meats, cheeses, crackers, bread and sweets – which fortunately were on the buffet behind me. Out of sight, out of mind.

All I know is, the last time I checked, the stories about disciples feeding the multitudes featured fish and bread (it was probably whole grain!). And even though I’ve only just finished my first year of class, I don’t seem to recall a single mention of Snickers in the entire Bible! Not once!