I Doubt It

Sunday April 27th 2014, 8:33 pm
Filed under: Main

At church today the gospel reading had to do with one of Jesus’s disciples who insisted on having actual, physical, tangible evidence before he could believe that the Messiah had died and then come back to life again. The intention of this story is to encourage people to believe –unlike “Doubting Thomas”– in something that they can’t actually see with their very own eyes.

This reading really struck home with me today because I’m in exactly this place: I’m having trouble seeing the future, and I don’t know what to believe. I’m encouraged to hope that my future will include finding a means of supporting myself, a place to live, and a healthy body to inhabit. But as of the time I’m writing this, none of that seems particularly realistic.

To be sure, I had yet another job interview last week. So it’s not as though my prospects are completely hopeless. But since last June I have contacted 98 companies about job openings, and have been interviewed by 13 of them, and so far have not been selected once. As much as I joke around about 100 being my “Magic Number” the chances are very high that I will have to apply to more than that before getting my next interview.

It’s hard not to feel like the whole search is futile; that I’m chasing a goose that’s not only wild, but exists only in fantasy.

Similarly, my eating habits have been out of control about 90% of the time over the past 30 days. Not because I’m a bad or evil person, or because I’m ignorant, weak, or foolish. It’s just that I’ve turned to overeating comfort foods as a way to hide from the scary parts of the world that seem so unwelcoming right now. I understand that this won’t really help me in the long (or even near) term. But life is feeling bleak, and chocolate seems like such a great escape.

It’s hard to envision getting back on track with food again. As with my job search, it’s not for lack of effort. I’m duly journalling what I’m consuming, I start each day with a healthy breakfast, and I’m aware of how eating the best-for-me foods actually makes me feel better than ANY amount of cookies.

But’s a long slog and again it feels at times as if my quest for control is futile.

I’m left with reflecting on the message of the gospel writer. Namely, that “seeing is believing” is a poor philosophy indeed. The challenge to reaching goals and achieving things in life is to believe. Simply to believe.


Catholic Church? Curious because that was our reading today. Catholic Churches all have same readings, no matter where you are, takes 3 years to get thru all the readings I think. But now wondering if any of the other (Protestant or the like) churches follow the same cycle -?

Comment by Vickie 04.28.14 @ 12:55 am

Have you thought about volunteering until you find something permanent? I did this a couple of years ago while I was looking for work, and it really helped with my confidence–and I learned some some new things too. And, I found a job a few shorts months afterward. How about a nonprofit–one that you might be interested in working for?

Comment by Anonymous 04.28.14 @ 5:27 am

Hi Jonathan
Yes believe is important believe in yourself right from the start
You can do this I’m in the same situation sometimes you want,to take a break but,you know you can believe things,will get,better,I know,it’s hard but,with your knowledge I know things will be awesome I feel it missing you Ronni xoxo

Comment by Ronni reich 04.28.14 @ 9:04 am

Hang in there and just do the next right thing. You KNOW what the next right thing to do is, always. Take care of yourself. You’ve taken a big step and you’re out of your comfort zone. Everything you’re doing is understandable. A good friend used to suggest to me that I think things through to their logical conclusion. It’s hard to remember that when the chocolate is in your hand, but … just a suggestion. I’m really REALLY happy you’re in Cali. It’s where you belong. Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out … it’s not the end!

Comment by Debbi 04.28.14 @ 1:15 pm

Thanks everyone! For the record, I’m an episcopalian. In its forms and practice, episcopal services can look and feel a bit like the Roman Catholic church, but we have a very different set of theological beliefs.

Also, while I’m not volunteering right now, I am very engaged in a couple of projects and am using my time in a structured and productive way. I’m also working at WeightWatchers as a substitute whenever I can, which is very grounding and enjoyable.

As Debbi points out, I belong in California and things are moving in the right direction.

Comment by admin 04.28.14 @ 1:56 pm